A Weekend for Me

Just 48 hours ago the weekend stretched out ahead of me with the selfish pleasure to do whatever I wanted.  I was about to enjoy two short days of just me and my three dogs.  Friday night arrived and I found myself conflicted between my overwhelming desire to sink in to the quiet of my home, but also to dive into everything I wanted to accomplish.  With my two foster boys at a respite home for the weekend, I wanted to hoard every moment and stretch it to its fullest capacity. But I also wanted to avoid the pressure of any expectations and truly have a break from any kind of pressure or demands.  In my life of achieving, accomplishing, performing, meeting expectations, answering others needs and most days also failing, missing and neglecting, I was checking out.  I had decided I was not going to worry about anything but enjoying the moments. 

I had been looking forward to Friday night with the enthusiasm of a child waiting for Christmas.  When it was finally here I wanted to enjoy every moment of it and savor each second.  I was greedy in my need to squeeze every bit of pleasure of out of the solitude and the absence of little boys demanding attention from me.

A list person by nature, I had decided I would absolutely not make a list for the weekend.  But I admit to having an informal list in my head and if I had to outline my informal list, it included these things. 

ü  Spend as much time as possible with my three dogs that I adore.  I frequently feel a bit cheated at the end of my long days, and never get tired of hanging out with them.  To actually play with them instead of trying to frantically make sure they get some exercise at the beginning and end of my long days.

ü  Reading-actual reading just for the love of it and nothing I needed to educate myself on, educate someone else about, or know for morning

ü  Sort the mountains of paperwork that are piled throughout my house, from my office to my chair by the window, to the dining room which doubles as my desk when I need to be downstairs, to the briefcase that is so heavy I can barely lift it.  Keep in mind much of this paperwork includes articles which I can’t wait to read and never seem to get a moment for.

ü  To rifle through my notebook in which I jot all the random phrases that push into my thoughts.  These are tidbits I jot as I am in the midst of something else, always thinking how much I would love to expand on the thought. To spend time indulging my love of writing and lose myself in exploring the words and thoughts.

ü  To stay as far away as possible from the ridiculous amount of paperwork that taunts me on a daily basis.

ü  To keep plans for Saturday night despite my knowledge that I am feeling obsessive about spending as much time at home as possible.  I love my home and feel as though it is a long distance relationship, in which I constantly long for physical connection.

ü  To spend time with my mom who is always so patient and who never complains when days go by with only a few minutes for rushed phone calls, usually punctuated by telling my foster boys to stop doing whatever they are doing.

ü  To go the entire weekend without worrying about anyone’s needs but my own, except for my dogs of course. 

ü  To organize and straighten my home gym so my rushed 5:00 am workouts can be more effective and I feel a semblance of peace while I am in it.

ü  To email and call no less than 18 people that I have not talked to in way too long.  Ok at least 3 people!

ü  To get up at least one hour later each day just because I didn’t have to take care of anyone else.

ü  To enjoy my workouts for the sake of my own personal and physical accomplishment, rather than planning and coordinating someone else’s workout.

So how did I do? My weekend of solitude started at 7:00 pm Friday night and I was due to pick the boys up by 6:00 pm Sunday night.  I had just 48 hours to do all this and to relax!

Friday night when I didn’t get home until 7:00 pm I was comforted by the fact that I at least had 3-4 hours left of my day. My usual bedtime lately has been between 10:30 and 11:00.  Often I look at the clock and force myself to get to bed only because I am aware of how tired I am when 4:00 am comes.   Except on Friday night, the peacefulness of the house and the lack of demands lulled me into an early bedtime.  I was almost comatose by 9:00p.m. and sound asleep hours earlier than usual. 

My plan to sleep an hour later Saturday morning was spoiled by two of the three dogs having a wrestling match on the bed that shook the room!  Their internal alarm was outraged that it was a few minutes past 4:00 am and they hadn’t been fed.  By the time I let them outside, wrestled them away from each others food dishes, making sure the puppy got all of her food, I was wide awake.   Oh well I counted it as one of the hours I missed out on by falling asleep early. 

The rest of the weekend went much the same, with every single thing I had “planned” somehow being realigned in some way.  Most things on my list, I didn’t even get close to and by the time I picked the boys up tonight I wondered what I had done with my weekend.  My days had vanished and I was not sure where it had gone.  

If I count the checks on the list, the weekend was almost a complete failure.  Of the massive list I started with, I accomplished only a few things, failing miserably in my unofficial list for the weekend. 

B

ut when I tried to figure out where the weekend had gone this is what stood out to me:

Taking Chances and Living Naked

There was a race I signed up for in 2008 with the intention of using it as a training event for my marathon in China.  The Great Wall Marathon was reputed to be one of the most challenging in the world, partially because of the 5164 steps.  I decided a 103 story race up Sears Tower would be great practice so I trained, I climbed and I stepped for a month before heading to Chicago.  Sunday morning I was scheduled to start at 9:00 am with no idea what to expect, I was excited about spending a weekend in Chicago.  My procrastination in booking a hotel left few options, so instead of staying downtown I settled for a hotel near the airport.

The reminder of how quickly life can change became even clearer on the way to dinner.  The night before the race, a group of us were getting together for dinner.  I climbed in the backseat of a car, glad I didn’t have to drive for once, as we headed to the restaurant.  Less than five minutes from the hotel, I had no idea how much things were about to change.  The discussion in the car was about planes, triggered by the busy sky so close to O’Hare and general conversation somehow became reality as we were hit from behind without warning.  An explosion shattered the rear window and I remember thinking the car had been hit by an airplane and it was coming thorough the back window.  I could hear screams, glass shattering and metal screeching, but I remember being very confused about what was happening.  When we finally stopped moving I recall seeing broken glass all over me and I was wondering what had happened.  I couldn’t wrap my head around any logical thought and it was as though my brain could not catch up to real time or to physical sensations.

Somewhere in the process, between the accident and the hospital I learned we had been hit by a 19 year old, driving his parent’s Corvette. People who saw the accident said he was drag racing and weaving in and out of lanes.  A firefighter had seen him heading toward us and estimated his speeds were more than 80 mph.  From my position in the backseat and pictures I saw later, it explained the explosion behind my head, although I can’t understand how I survived.   

After an ambulance ride to the hospital and several hours in the worst emergency room I have ever seen, I was released in the middle of the night.  My friend, who was there to do the race with me, was the person who picked glass out of my head. I saw the doctor at the time of admission and not once after that. The pain was a screaming, living thing that had taken up residence in every cell of my body.  The pain was so intense it was impossible to focus on any one thing, so I focused on my anger and my fear. I was angry at the driver’s recklessness and I was angry I was being cheated out of doing the Tower Climb.  I lay in the hotel bed for a couple of hours, unable to sleep and not knowing what to do with myself.  I was conflicted internally and couldn’t seem to find a place I didn’t hurt physically and emotionally.  Yet I also was so completely consumed with how different things could have turned out and the reality of life’s fragile state, which was completely at odds with my other emotions.  I had reassured everyone that I was not doing the climb and I would call them in the morning when I woke up.  Through the early morning hours, wide awake, hurting and yet grateful, I spent a lot of time wishing.  I wished again and again it hadn’t happened and the night had been different. I was in Chicago because of a spinal fusion and my effort to recover, yet I was in more pain than before. I thought about a lot of things, deep and meaningful life questions that come naturally with glimpse of your own mortality.  Throughout my recovery I had been unwilling to accept someone else’s opinion about what I was physically capable of doing and I questioned if this should be different.  I knew nobody would agree with my decision, but at some point during those hours I knew one thing. I realized that if in fact I was going to choose my life and my circumstances, it meant doing so in the most challenging of moments also.  By the time 5 am came I was both furious and calm. It felt so unfair, that someone else’s actions, beyond my control were going to take something from me that I valued.

I decided I could either accept the situation, or confront it and write my own ending to the story.  Desire and fear are powerful motivators of action and for me I was feeling both.  I had an urge to live my day, knowing how quickly it could be taken.  I wanted to be true to the determination and passion that had brought me here in the first place. And with every breath I took I felt fear.  I worried about the long term impact of the accident.  Getting out of bed, I was physically unable to lift my head off the pillow without using my hands to pick it up.  I could hardly swallow, the muscles in my neck hurt so badly.  I couldn’t eat and taking a drink was enough to make me scream.  The act of getting up and getting dressed was so painful it made me question my decision. I managed to take Tylenol and headed downtown, lining up at the door of the stairway without sleep or food and barely able to dress myself. I was consumed with pain and nausea and although I couldn’t fathom getting myself up 103 stories, I couldn’t imagine not trying.

I did it, climbing 2109 steps. I had no benchmark to gauge it by, and I might not have done as well as I could have.  I did hit my two main goals though, I finished and I didn’t throw up. My satisfaction had nothing to do with the race, and nothing to do with my time.  I felt a deep sense of pride in taking the moment, defining it on my own terms and fighting for it.  I would never look back on this and wonder if it were a chance I could have taken.  

It is easier to face a challenge in ideal circumstances, like the ones I had at the start of the weekend.  I had trained, I was with friends, and had prepared for the event.   But in that one moment, the reality of how little you can actually prepare for life and how little control you have was clear. That was where my emotion was living and life reflection is impossible to avoid.  It is impossible to not ask yourself questions about how you have lived and what you will do with the day you have in front of you.

In Steve Jobs famous Stanford speech he said  “Because almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure – these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.”

He was right, with the wisdom only experience can give you.  Everything I had prepared for, my expectations, my time goal, none of it mattered. It didn’t even matter if I failed to get to the top, because at least I could make a decision to start.  In that moment I did feel naked, naked of all pretenses, stripped so bare and so vulnerable by the closeness of death that nothing else mattered.  I was emotionally naked and without guard.  That can be a frightening place to be, and since then I have made an effort to live life with less pretense and fewer masks.   I remind myself the things I worry about are really not all that troublesome and what I am stressed about today will be forgotten tomorrow. 

This year has been a year of challenges and decisions.  In 4 days I will again line up for the climb. The tower is now the Willis Tower and I have since completed races around the world.  I have also had another spinal fusion and am currently in the early stages of recovering from this. I will line up at the door of the staircase feeling challenged, physically disadvantaged, and unprepared. I am fearful of how my body will respond and what kind of setbacks I might feel.  At the end of the day, my time for the climb won’t define me and neither will much else about this year.  The issues that seem so big today will fade but what will define me are the decisions I make about how I live my life, my gratitude for today and how honestly I live my life.  

I know the importance of showing up and facing the challenge.  Steve Jobs spoke about living life naked and this is often my biggest challenge. Because it means I will take chances, face challenges and jump over the edge with only faith to catch me. I can admit I would like to be someone other than me some days, and on other days I don’t care. I can embrace all the parts of me that make me who I am, including my weaknesses, and always be ready to say to hell with what I should do. I embrace my passions knowing the reward and thrill of life when you are fully open. I dream it, live it, love it and am thankful for it.  If you have ever been on a roller coaster, jumped out of a plane or made a decision to leap with all your heart straight out of your comfort zone, you know the thrill.  There is nothing like it and only in that moment when nothing is certain are you fully open and naked. None of us can say for sure where we will be tomorrow, next week or even in the next moment.  I hope along the way I become the person I want to be, and I hope I show the world the person I really am. Nobody expected me to do the race and no one would have blamed me for not doing it. But it wasn’t about what anyone thought of me for doing it or not doing it, it was about stepping into my decision and owning my life.  It was about my ability to show up even on the days when life isn’t fair and the cards you are dealt are bad.  Sunday, as I line up to run 103 flights of stairs I will carry this with me, knowing whatever the outcome, in my faith and in my life I am following my heart.

They get it right every time!