Daring to set boundaries is about
having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. ~
Brene Brown
I had an opportunity to set some boundaries in a relationship this week, which never seems to get less uncomfortable for me. Over and over again I struggle to remember that setting boundaries is about loving myself, not about NOT loving someone else. I know so many people fight this same battle, caught between the fear of disappointing someone else, the fear of not being liked and the fear of rejection.
When I purposely look at it from a different perspective, it creates a shift which allows me to see things differently which then means I feel them differently.
What is this situation/person teaching me?
If I can find the opportunity in the situation, the lesson in the moment and the value in the experience, I am moving in the right direction. If all I can experience is the suckiness of the emotions, I know I am stuck. Refer back to "what is this teaching me?"
How will this look 6 months from now, a year from now?
When I remember to remember the way I feel right now is not how I will always feel, and that no matter how big it seems in my head and heart right now, it won't always be that big, I am able to shift from drowning in the emotions and make my way back to the surface.
I think of this much like the process of sighting. When I was training for Ironman, swimming was my biggest challenge. In the process of learning how to swim I spent hours off course because I didn't know how to sight. Slipping on my goggles I would put my face in the water, completly focused on breathing and keeping my body afloat. In short, I have described it as a desperate effort, every second, not to drown.
I was so focused on this in fact that I would churn through the water, focused only on not drowning and I would forget, again and again, to look up to see where I was going. In fact I hated looking up. Every time I pulled my head up, I would lose momentum, my feet would drop causing my body to drag, and worst of all I would experience the "oh shit" moment of failure because invariably I was way the hell off course.
Eventually I got better at it, although it remained a struggle for me. I was so desperate to keep moving, that I had to continuosly challenge my resisistance.
Life seems to have a lot of similarities to swimming and sighting. I have to remind myself that if I am looking up, looking out at my destination rather than frantically churning through the water, I can take a moment to breath and see what the stuff ahead looks like.
So when I struggle to see the lesson or opportunity and I am stuck in how big the discomfort feels in the moment, I challenge my resistance and look out at the horizon. It seems far away and sometimes feels like it will be so much work to get there, but I take a breath and start to move. Even if it means I may disappoint someone or they may not like me.
