scenes from 40 miles on the trails last weekend

A letter to my friend

So you have a secret goal and  you are so afraid you will mess it up that you haven't told anyone? 

You asked for my advice and I know what you are really asking is how to make sure you succeed and rule out any possibility of failing. 

I know you are filled with self-doubt and are not feeling confident, so you don’t want to put it out there and tell anyone you are doing it.  I know the fear well. 

This is what I can tell you. You are missing out on the best part of the experience and the biggest gift possible in the entire experience by not allowing others to sit next to you and say "me too." 

There is never a race I have done that I didn’t want to find a way out.  Shit, I have contemplated throwing myself in front of a car because after all, no one would expect me to race with multiple broken bones.

 Even if it is a race I have done before, I hear this bitchy voice in my head saying “who do you think you are?”  I go to get my packet and as I look around I think everyone must be looking at me thinking “what is she doing here?”  They are the athletes and I am the imposter, about to be busted and exposed.   I take this fear along on every race I do.  I have gotten better at muting her voice, but have yet to find a way to shut her up completely.

So you signed up for this huge thing!   Congratulations.  That is a big step.  

You had the courage to have the dream, you had the courage to sign up for it.

If you are waiting to feel confident enough,  you will have to wait until the lights go down at midnight. No matter where you are on that course, if you are at the finish line or still running your way toward it, when it is over is when the self-doubt will finally silence itself.

Courage means you do it because it’s your dream and your life.  And even when you aren’t certain about the outcome, you put your ass out there and you step into it anyway.  Every time you do that, you give yourself and every woman out there permission to  also step into something even when they are afraid.

I had always thought that being a DNF for Ironman would be the worst thing possible and I would feel like a failure.  It turns out that wasn’t true at all.   

I sat there with the bike and swim behind me, and the course official telling me I was done, and I realized the worst thing possible would be to quit.  It turns out I didn’t care if I was an Ironman by anyone else’s standards, it only mattered to me that I did the 140.6 I had set out to do.  I believe this shift was the reason I loved every single second of the marathon. I felt amazing and everything that had hurt all day stopped hurting, the chatter in my head was gone and I was experiencing the moments as they were happening in a whole new way.   When I stopped worrying about failing, that was the moment I was finally courageous enough to love the experience. 

For every bit of imperfection, fear and self- doubt we hide and keep tucked away, we rob ourselves of the support we could be getting and we also rob others of what we could be sharing with them. 

The difference between confidence and courage is huge, so move forward with courage my friend, and stop waiting to feel confident.

So the second step is a bit more scary.  Let every flaw, every fear and every failure shine brightly and know that the authenticity that comes with that will give you a sense of freedom you can only imagine.

Thank you for telling me you are doing this big scary thing and I will support your decision to keep it a secret or to go big with it, whatever you choose.   But my best piece of advice is don’t keep it to yourself, stop rehearsing all the ways you can fail, stop giving yourself a silent arena to back out of, and stop playing small.  If this is your dream then live it out loud and live it big. 

Things that make me smile on a cold morning run

Curiosity

My Favorite Valentines

Spending the afternoon with the girls....perfect!  

The face of

Trying to look innocent

Love

Best part of my day

I love to experience dawn on the trails.  Every day it looks a little different,  and reminds me that each day truly is a new and different day.

She was....

Today's photo challenge prompt: Self Reflection

The past 8,760 hours

It's New Year’s Eve and by the time you read this, the clock will likely have ticked past the mark of the New Year, bringing 2014 to a close. 

365 days, 52 weeks and 8,760 hours.  That is what we all got in 2014. 

I don’t know how your year went for you, some of you probably feel good about how you spent it and some of you may have some regrets.  

I have so many thoughts and emotions as I look back at this year.  I am insanely proud, I'm grateful, exhausted, at times peaceful and other times hungry and restless.  Every time I think life can’t get any bigger and more challenging, it seems to see my bet and raise me.

The past twelve months have been a wild ride and like any wild ride it has been filled with both the ups and the downs.  With thousands of pictures which have marked the moments I thought it would be a good way to look back at the last 8760 hours.  Starting with January here it is:

Florida trip....with a concussion thanks to this cute little golden doodle nugget. 

This was the year we decided to expand our clinic and after months of discussion and nail biting, we took the leap and signed the papers.  We were once again in the middle of construction and if I can find a silver liing from the experience of construction the first time around in 2012, it’s that we learned so much and subsequently this time around was much smoother.

For the second year in a row, one of my Saturday morning training runs was 50 miles.  This was me 30 + miles in.

For the second year in a row, I signed on the dotted line and commited to running a 100 miles.  This year however, because of several factors, I downgraded to the 100k.  There was a time when I would have pushed through the 100 miles out of fear and stubbornness.  This year I allowed myself to be ok with just 100 k.

For the second  year in a row I was able to experience Ireland and the Celtic Traverse 300.  Words cannot describe the experience of the country or the people.

 But even better, coming home after two weeks to the biggest dose of love! 

And being home for the 4th of July! 

One of my all time favorite races was a part of my summer, the Dances with Dirt 50k holds so many memories and continues to be a must for me in July!

My summer was filled with highs and lows.  I was so lucky to be able to spend some days with my favorite little guy and with my three favorite girls. 

There were some moments that were scary, including my mom being hospitalized with a blood clot in her lung which thankfully was discovered.   The month that followed was challenging and emotional however the outcome could have so easily been life alterning.  I am grateful beyond words.

After years of listing it on my goals, I finally bought a motorcycle and learned to ride. Yes in that order. Those of you who know me are not surprised at all by that.

A simple plan to take sunset pictures turned into a 5 hour ordeal as I joined a search party for a missing boy on the trails.  My girl, Ellie & I were exhausted by the time it ended after midnight but when the little boy was found safely every bit of it was worth it. 

My first motorcycle ride in the rain.

Garth Brooks concert!

Finally getting my dog door installed, one step closer to the 3 year project completion.  Fence,  6 foot penned area, dog door.  Now just a dog house and security camera and it will be done.

Ball game with the girls from work!

Being able to take notice of the little things that make me smile....like this view from my windshield when I left the office.

Yearly visit to Little Farmer.  Some years I have been in snow pants and jacket this year was shorts and sunburn!

Craigs visit home.

2500 miles on my motorcycle,

    hundreds of sunset pictures.

Trick or treating with my favorite little guy!

The Sears Tower Climb...again!

Hundreds of miles on the trails with my girls

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And great pictures from the trails

Thanksgiving...a ride through the park so my mom could see the snow trees led to this incredible photo, and first time ever running with one of my favorite persons on the planet! 

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Ability to have my mom and Maggie with me at the office.  If I have to work 

on a Saturday, I can focus on being grateful for my conditions. 

 

Christmas brought me the dog house and the wi fi pet camera.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day runs

New Years Eve