Last January, I ran a marathon in Phoenix with a group of women I love dearly. A conversation we had raised questions in my head and ten months later the question is still with me. Why do we sell ourselves short, predict failure, dismiss compliments, or talk about ourselves in ways we would never talk to a friend?
When we are facing a challenge, taking a risk, breaking a personal barrier, reaching a personal goal, why are we comfortable pre-scripting a failure but not predicting success? With the advantage of social media and instant status updates we have a streaming view of this, any time of the day or night. Status updates often include fear and dramatic predictions about all of the potential catastrophes that could happen. Rarely, if ever, do they make bold and confident statements. And how would we react if they did?
The common approach is to downplay any positive statements or votes of confidence because somehow it is much more acceptable to make statements about the likelihood of failure and falling short. What if the status update said, “I am going to win this damn thing” or “Damn straight, I am going to rock the house”?
Usually you don’t hear people talk about their months of training and 5 am runs, or the hours or preparation for a speech or presentation. They don’t acknowledge the daily commitment and discipline as a building block of their self assurance. They don’t talk about the sacrifices and say “you are right, I will do great!” or “I have trained hard and you know what, I will feel awesome! “
What would we say if someone responded to your encouraging statements with this response? What if someone’s usual response was they were feeling very confident and strong and sure of themselves and the outcome? What if they took it one step further and talked about how confident and strong they felt.
In most cases they would get a pained and superficial response, maybe even a patronizing affirmation followed by the other person’s urgent need to find someone to tell about the grandiosity of the conversation. Can you imagine that conversation? Your arrogance would grow into fairy tale legend within the hour.
Why is it completely acceptable to maximize our weaknesses and minimize our work, our discipline, our strength and our confidence? Why is self assurance automatically tossed into the category of narcissistic and arrogance, as though feeling this way about ourselves assumes we think we are better than someone else?
I am not referring to those people out there that clearly think they are better. I am talking about simple statements of personal dedication, conviction and self-trust. This stance often brings out the nasty competitive edge in others. It reveals the pattern of insecure people trying to bring you to their level. In the past three years I have had amazing opportunities and along with those opportunities I have heard a long list of statements. They have been directly and indirectly delivered and designed to bring me down a notch or two. Everything from a reference to not really thinking I was going to actually run my first marathon, to a rebuke about how many good things I was entitled to in a lifetime.
When we define ourselves and our outcomes by what others are comfortable hearing, and their expectations, we are being dishonest. When we pretend to feel a single dimension, the fear and the anticipated failure, do we lie to ourselves and everyone else? What about the excitement and pride, the anticipation of knowing you are about to do something challenging, yet knowing the risk is worth the achievement. Fear and failure is perfectly acceptable to acknowledge and focus on. In fact it is encouraged.
I think women and men suffer from the same expectation to downplay their confidence, achievement and abilities. Men are bound by cultural and social expectations which encourage a lack of genuineness just as much as women, it is simply a different color pen. Men and women alike define their self and their beliefs with the thoughts they allow, the environment they live in, the people they surround themselves with and repetition of self talk.
How does this change and how do we make an impact? What if we refused to pretend? What if we were proud in our faith and strength, not as arrogant and better, but living an acceptance of ourselves just as we are. What if we proudly acknowledge dour own drive, discipline, values, achievements, failures and life.
Remember a time when you did something for the first time. Think about how awkward it felt. Think of riding a bike, throwing a ball, or learning your job. After a lot of attempts and some moments that are not graceful, the repetition brings improvement. We build our skills and eventually it becomes second nature. Think about driving a car. For most of us it is so routine we don’t even think about it. Have you ever arrived at our destination only to realize that you don’t remember the drive? We do it so automatically we lose awareness of how hard this was at first!
Do we do the same thing with maximizing our weaknesses and pretending? Do we do it so often that it becomes automatic and second nature?
What if we made it second nature to make statements such as:
I love the way I look
I love the way I speak
I believe in myself
I am beautiful
I am successful
I am strong
I am capable
I will win
How might our world, our life be different if we didn’t allow other’s insecurities or discomfort mute our voice? What if it became acceptable for all women and men to make bold statements without censure or judgment? What if it were acceptable to have trust and faith in ourselves, to own our vision and life with confidence?
The beauty of confidence and assurance is that it stems from a belief in ourselves and there is no room for comparison to others or for thoughts of being better than another. This certainty comes from a knowing and accepting our weaknesses, honoring that we all come with many dimensions. It is built in the refusal to play the game by the rules of being so overly humble we lose part of our achievement.
In our purpose and in our potential there can be a quiet grace that is neither boastful nor meek. In the true spirit of this we can lock honor ourselves and live our life in our own way, with purpose.
Why don’t we then? So why then is it so important to pretend failure is certain? Why is it acceptable and sometimes expected? Why do we focus on failure when in fact, most often we have worked diligently to get to the start line.
Fear of failure is the easy answer and is likely a part of it. I believe it is a simple answer but not the complete answer. So if fear of failure is the first answer, what are the layers underneath this? How would others around us react? Would it require us to stand true in our own self worth which is often uncomfortable? What would others say about us, how would they perceive us, how would be judged? And perhaps the worst layer of all, what if we predict success and experience failure? This may be the backbone of it all, but in truth it is never one thing that drives behavior it is a combination of our experiences, thoughts and emotions. What is your motivation when you anticipate failure? Are you making those around you comfortable, or do you insulate yourself from the embarrassment of any shortcomings? Do you avoid the pain of being judged by those around you by staying at their level of insecurity?
In the next few days, before your next presentation, a race, or a performance, allow yourself to be the person you already are. Be this person without maximizing your weakness and with acknowledgements of your strengths and preparation. Allow yourself to humbly accept compliments, take credit and enjoy the glory of your achievements and work. Inspire yourself and inspire those around you with the ability to allow grace and humility to live in the same world as pride and faith.
When you feel fear and think you could fail, acknowledge it in the same breath how much you grow with each attempt, and with every moment you live and risk. And when you hear someone else pretending they have already failed, be the healthy moment in their life.
Be proud of yourself, set your own standards and declare your worth in your very own space. Take responsibility for your growth, be diligent in increasing your insight and respectful enough to give someone else a hand up when they are in the middle of pretending. Be confident enough to be the person you are supposed to be and no matter what, refuse to accept the pattern of selling yourself short.
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