2012 ~Back to the Start

The year 2012 is just around the corner and in a few days a large number of people will make a resolution, promising some kind of change.  Most will be changes they have thought of hundreds of time, maybe promised before and perhaps behaviors that have been pointed out by others or suggested by a health care professional.  They gym will be packed with all of these newly dedicated people, overdoing it and trying to lose all the weight and get in shape  in the first three days. 

I don’t usually make NY resolutions, I don’t believe in using one date out of the year to make changes.  As a health professional I find the idea of focusing one week a year on growth and goals crazy. Why aren’t we doing this every week?   I often point out to my clients that they generally spend more time planning their vacations and picking out a car than on their personal goals. 

My best thinking happens while I am running, and often by the time I get home from a run I am overflowing with ideas, goals, plans, people I want to talk to, articles I want to write, things I want to create.  I lose some of them in the transition of rushing to shower and getting out the door, but the big ones I keep long enough to talk into my phone on my way to work.

2012 will be one of my biggest challenges and one I have been thinking about often the last few weeks.  As January 1^st approaches, I will be once again starting to train for Ironman Wisconsin.  Déjà, I was here last year.  I am now $1200 into registration for a race I have not done, and one I am quite sure I don’t have a chance in hell of completing.  “What the hell am I thinking?” is the recurring thought that keeps looping through my head.  I am not strong enough, not conditioned enough and not sure I am able to fight hard enough.  I can’t swim, yes I said can’t.  The furthest I have ever swam is a quarter mile, the last time I was able to ride seriously I needed help getting off my bike because once bent I couldn’t straighten on my own.  My running mileage total this year is the same as one month last year!  Again what the hell am I thinking? 

I know and I believe beyond any doubt that I cannot do this.   Yet as I organize my planner for 2012, my training plan is in there and along with everything else I have in my life I will begin the process.  This year, unlike last year I don’t even have an endurance base to build from so starting from scratch takes on a whole new meaning.   

Mapping out my calendar, my first week of January looks like this.  Teach at the college two days, work at my clinic 4 days, work at the EAP office 2 days, work at Gold’s 4 days, 3 social engagements, 2 little boys at home that are more exhausting than all those things combined, 3 dogs that I love to spend time with….and somewhere in there did I mention I need to start training for a race I am sure I can’t do.  I am convinced I am on the wrong side of the desk in the therapy department.

I have been here before though and know that what I can’t see today does not mean the same thing as impossible.  I know that what I am not capable of today, is not a life sentence and that God willing I will get to the starting line and God willing I will be upright crossing the finish line.  When I was weeks from leaving for Africa and so sure I could not possibly do this I reached out to someone who had been a huge support and has wisdom beyond human capabilities.  Ray Zahab is an amazing man who has an amazing spirit.  He said all the right things and he was completely right in this prediction.  He told me at the start of the race I would be too scared to breathe, and in the middle of the race I would wonder what the hell I was doing t here.  But there would be moments where I would look around and realize the beauty of them moment and be amazed that I was. He said at the end when I crossed the finish line it would be the best feeling in the world and in moments I would start to plan my next race.  He was right.  Knowing this I will not make resolutions, rather I will focus on results. And when the negative thoughts, doubts and fears take up residence in my brain I will know they are there, and know that despite my efforts to quiet them they will return a hundred times.  But they won’t stop me from training and they won’t stop me from putting it out there on the calendar.  2012 I will focus on results instead of resolutions and when I am afraid I will focus on faith and get out there anyway.  I will take all my fears and doubts to the starting line, knowing I will leave them out there on the course, to be replaced by gratitude and grace.