Humbling Courage

Most of my life has been spent outside the lines, being a bit different and not fitting into the averages. My early years are a story of traveling, living in cars, hotels, horse ranches, orange orchards and other bizarre places.  We never lived in one place very long, we didn’t stay long enough to make friends and the constant transitions meant I never really fit in anywhere I went. 

Throughout my life, the pain of this this uniqueness  paid off in many ways and most days I am proud of my stance in my beliefs and my ability to be different from others.  The silver lining in my odd childhood was I had traveled through most states by the time I was in middle school and geography was a cinch, since I had been through the map several times over.  My ability to be different and unique has been a solid foundation many times in life, but the fear and aloneness that comes with it can be painful.  Sometimes I find myself on the brink of melting into the crowd so I can belong and be liked.

Most of us have a painful experience or two from childhood that sticks with us because of the emotional intensity it leaves in its wake.  If that statement made you think back to one of these, you probably felt it somewhere in your body.  Your chest tightened, maybe your face flushed, your shoulders tensed.  You felt that hot pit in your stomach.  It might have been a word or more from someone, it might have been a disagreement, and it might have been a comment from an adult or teacher.  One of my experiences was walking into yet another new school and starting new classes with new faces.  I was in eighth grade, and on top of dealing with the awkwardness that comes with that age, my clothes were not cool and it was the only set I had.  My uncoolness radiated from me as I slipped into a seat and tried to stay off of anyone’s radar.  It never worked.  Within  minutes I was overwhelmed with the heat of shame that comes from knowing you don’t belong and never will.  The things the boys said to me have faded, but the feeling in my stomach, my heart, my head remain vivid. I have come to know them as the red flags of shame.  I know the feeling and  to this day it triggers a hot angry response in me.  The shame of not being good enough, the shame of comparing yourself to others and falling short. 

The pain and anxiety of being different from others is tough to step into and it takes courage to endure this with grace and dignity.  Back then, in eighth grade I wasn’t so good at it.  Up to fifth grade, I hid from those kinds of taunts.  After that I discovered fighting and the power it had, back then the only power I could find.  Growing up with two brothers and a hard ass father  I was good at fighting. I learned that I got immediate respect when I kicked the ass of the boys who taunted me.  It didn’t mean I fit in but people did leave me alone.  Not exactly the result I wanted but the taunting usually stopped. 

As an adult, after  years of work and brutal self-reflection I began to learn to tolerate the pain and stand by my beliefs and to let go of what people thought.  I learned the courage of standing tall but proud in the face of bad behavior and after years of practice I got much better at not taking it personally. 

I still intensely dislike feeling uncertain, and I try like hell not to be rejected.  Welcome to the human race I guess.  I have amazing friends and am so incredibly grateful for them, yet I’m cautious and have to push myself to take the risk, taking the chance of being hurt.  I feel the weight of the gamble, and the chance of feeling stupid aka shame for being a sucker.  Because if I get hurt that is what I am right?  How many times have you thought that very thing?  Said those words to yourself….”I am so stupid” ,  “ I knew better” ,  “ How many times do I have to get hurt” …..

As an adult who has accomplished some good things in life, I still find myself standing on the fringes many days, not sure where I fit in and feeling as though I don’t.

I want to belong and in some ways I do, certainly more than I ever thought possible in my younger years.  I have gained enough confidence and self-worth that I no longer come out swinging  to shame and rejection.  Nor do I shrink back and make myself invisible.  Both are still tempting and at times instinctive for me, but discipline practiced year after year have helped break this pattern.

Today I felt the sting of shame deep in my stomach and  the worst part is I didn’t realize it was shame until hours later.  I felt the anxiety of being different, of not belonging, of standing by my beliefs but even more of standing up for myself and my own importance.  I forgot today that this is courage, because I still think of courage as feeling strong and powerful.  In fact, courage today felt small and anxious and uncertain and different and scary and alone.  Courage didn’t feel big to me today, it was painful emotions and I struggled to take responsibility for those emotions let alone be responsive to them.  Brene Brown defines the first step one of being wholehearted as letting go of what other people think.  Being wholehearted is ironically enough the opposite of shame.  I was humbled today by how little progress I have made in life in my childlike desire to be liked, to belong, to be approved of and to fit in.  I spent entirely too much time today on other people’s opinions which meant I didn’t  honor my own emotions or  honor my courage to be different and true to my principles. 

The lesson from this isn’t entirely clear yet, and whatever it is will be challenging to face in it’s entirely.  It will mean standing out, and standing up.  It will include painful moments no doubt but that is usually the most valuable lesson. If strength, character and courage come from tolerating this type of pain, the pain of not belonging, it was something I developed early on in life. It is hard to step into the pain and accept that its part of the experience and part of my choice.