Chasing Butterflies

 

Maggie aka Moppet

 

I spend a lot of time wondering and worrying about the “what ifs” and they are rarely in my favor.  I don’t seem to naturally think about getting it right, being successful or saying all the right things.  Ok I don’t actually ever worry about saying the wrong things; it seems to be one of the few neuroses I have escaped.  There are hundreds more thought to make up for that one though. If I could just find a way to turn the momentum of these questions, I would make myself and a lot of others happy.

Most of us are facing challenges every day in our lives and we spend a lot of time working very hard to take very small steps forward.  

 

Over the last few weeks so many people have gone out of their way to say kind, thoughtful, and encouraging words.  I am blessed to have so many who people believe in me and my Ironman journey. My personal challenge to be open and vulnerable allows me to admit to a secret though.  As I have listened to the kindness of others, I am able to accept the words. I truly and from my heart appreciate their words.  I am unable to hear them without distortion though, because I have my own words which immediately begin to chatter loudly.  Only I can hear the voice and everyone else in the room remains unaware of this second conversation.  It is the naughty child in the back of the room creating chaos as soon as the teachers back is turned.  There is eye rolling and face making, and sarcasm.  It tells me that if they really knew me, if they knew what my training had been, if they knew how much my body hurts and how afraid I am every day of it failing me, if they knew I could have worked harder and done better…… they would take it all back.  Because the truth is, I am not strong enough, I have failed before and to be hopeful or sure of myself is asking for it.  It taunts me and sends me into a cycle of irrational fear and incapable of rational thought.  This all happens within a split second and no one else even knows it is taking place, this internal insanity.

 

My feeble grasp on sanity usually comes in the form of time with my three dogs.  The crazy mop of curls you see here has an amazing ability to make me laugh and feel loved beyone belief.  Maggie is a Labradoodle and one look at her lets you know she is crazy cute and utterly lovable.  I have a dozen nicknames for her Moppet, Mops, Magdaline, Poppy, Poppypoodle, Crazy,  Poodle and lots more.  She runs around with her tongue hanging out and loves everyone and everything she meets.  She loves to be near me and cuddles so tightly sometimes it’s hard to breathe which I love of course.  She brings me absolute joy and I have yet to look at her without smiling and it seems no one else can either.  She draws attention whereever she goes with her bouncy little walk and her attitude. 

 

Maggie loves to chase butterflies and because I live in the country she has a lot of  fields that are filled with them.  Walking past or in the fields she makes me laugh out loud as she pounces time after time. She tries just as hard for each one, going after the next one with the same energy.  She has yet to catch one, yet despite failing every time she will chase them with all her heart until she is exhausted.  She then finds a shady spot to plop herself down,  refusing to move until she has rested  and recovered. Within a few minutes she will take off like a canine pogo stick again just as happy as the time before. She never loses her joy for the chase and the moment.

 

 I learn a lot from my dogs and as I watch her do this I am reminded of where I get stuck. I watched her last week and realized that perhaps instead of worrying about the potential of failing, I might be better off remembering other things.  And instead of rolling my eyes and reminding myself of what people would think if they really knew what I was made of, that it is so damn amazing to be able to chase your dream. And that I get to do this, and win or lose the moment is the experience and my secret dialogue cheats me of that.  I would be dishonest if I said I didn't care about the outcome, I want more than anything to make it to the finish  line before midnight when they shut down the lights.  I have trained hard and pushed myself through some hellish moments to get there, and I want to finish. 

 

 

The "yeah buts" in my head are really fear.  I am afraid of other's believing in me and then falling short. In my fear I become myopic in my vision, and I lose sight of the joy of the chase we get to do. I hope is that I can become humble enough  to quietly see what others see and to believe it, even when I don't.  

Because from the outside others can see what we are capable of even when we can't and rather than fighting it I will practice accepting it. Outside of the circle of fear, they can see what we can't and the best we can do is embrace the moment, be grateful for it and all we get to do in it.  

 

 

“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We're afraid.”
“Come to the edge.”
“We can't. We will fall!”
“Come to the edge.”
And they came.
And he pushed them.
And they flew.

Guillaume Apollinaire, 1880-1918