Who Am I?

Who am I?

I am a runner.  Does that sound shallow?  Perhaps it is.

I am much more than this of course.  However, most days I believe being a runner allows me to be the things I actually am other than a runner.  The act of propelling my body gives me depth to who was I several years ago before I started running. 

 I was a person with layers before this of course,  the same person really.  Without the anesthetic and medicating effects of an exhausting effort that leaves me breathless and weak I am somewhat different however.

 Last year Ellie entered my life, adopted from a rescue.   My intention was twofold.  To provide Tanner with canine companionship and to never, ever love a dog as deeply as I had Annabelle.  That changed when I opened the front door and laid eyes on her. I had an immediate and emotional reaction and there on the front porch,  not yet into the house, I fell in love.  Hard.  With her blind eye and other visible battle scars she is oddly beautiful and  something in her captured my heart in two seconds.

 More than a year later I understand much better what it is that grabbed me in those first few seconds.  You see Ellie is a runner too.  She has an amazing capacity for love despite her history.  She is loving and spunky, protective and gentle, independent and intuitive. There is a “but” to this description however.   After a few days without a run, her barely restrained attitude goes from loving to rebellious to outright defiance.  She gets a look in her eyes and you can visibly see tension building in her little body.  She begins to pounce on toys and throw them to the other side of the room, race the three levels of the house tearing through anything in her way, pouncing on the puppy and the elderly dog and generally creating mass chaos with her energy.  She barks more, she eats faster and is less than patient with anyone around her.  She is an emotional path of destruction.

 I get it.  My foundation doesn’t change with running.  My  values and character are mostly static and I am the same person whether I get to go for a run or not.  Although I am a runner I am not one dimensional as a person.  However after a few days without  a run, I begin to resemble Ellie and feel the way she acts. 

 From birth I have contained a high level of emotional volatility.  I feel deeply and there is little distance between the boiling point of my emotions and the veneer of social grace and politeness. The exhausted state of post run calmness has given me a tempered platform for emotional expression.  After a run I am  clear on my thoughts and my emotional energy often has been moderated.  It  gives me insight and stillness, bringing a calm to internal storms.  It tempers my emotions and reactions.    More than that it gives me confidence and strength in my ability to control my life, my body and my physical space.  It allows me to be in charge of myself and my life.  It brings me to a beautiful place emotionally and also brings me to beautiful places physically.  There is something incredibly spiritual about running through the woods , witnessing whatever animals are also out playing, sunsets, storms and all the continuum of seasons.  The time I spend with my dogs while running is the most valuable therapy I could possibly get and  if I could capture my every thought while running, I would have several books written by now.  The act of moving my body in repetition releases something in me allowing  depth and creativity to my thoughts without  restrictions or distractions.

 Does running define me?  It does on at least one level and I am ok with that.  It is not the single definition of me, but it  uncovers many of my other layers. I believe we all want deeply for others to know us, know who we really are without judgment or rejection.  It is running and the voice I find within me while running that often gives me the strength and courage to be open enough to be known.

 For the next few weeks, I will not be running.  I will miss everything about it and I will miss myself.  I have heard statements assuming running is an addiction to the endorphins.  It is a nice side effect of  course.  For me running makes the whole world right and my reset button.  I will do what I can to maintain my fitness and I will train in different ways.  Until I can run again, I will miss who I am.