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His ears were often the first thing to catch my tears.

Elizabeth Barrett Browning In The Soul of Animals Gary Kowalski writes about our animals that they are "closer than our own breathing-and our soul will suffer when they are gone."  It is a  selfish suffering, a suffering about what I miss from him.  His big steady presence, his quiet strength, his ability to know with uncanny precision when he needed to come and stand alongside me.  He made me laugh, at times he made me cry, but he always made me love.  So in selfishness I miss all he gave me and the whole in my heart is in the shape of his unconditional dedication to loving me.  The third and empty food dish breaks my  heart and my eyes are swollen from crying.  Despite the pain which feels as though is about to break me, I wouldn't trade one single day with him to avoid the pain.  I love you buddy, sleep well and tell Bell Bell how much I love her too.  

Blessed and Grateful~ Womens Adventure Magazine

Once again it is impossible for me to express how grateful I am for the opportunity to be able to share my journey.  Thank you for all of the comments and emails so far, I am responding to every single one I promise.  I am not even halfway through yet, so if you have not heard from me, hold on it is coming.  Here is the link to check out my latest on Womens Adventure .

Counting Down

Colorado Pics~Next Stop Virginia:)

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Defining Moments

My mom being a trooper taking
 a  ride in my Jeep despite the forecast for rain! 

"This will be the first time I don't have to move out in the middle of the night."

A simple statement from my mom had the impact of a punch in the stomach when I was least expecting it.  I felt it slam into my chest,  the whoosh of air leaving me breathless. My chest locked down, my stomach hurt and the burning shame of memories closed off my throat, causing a dull ache in my forehead.  

I think I responded, and I must have managed to respond almost normally.  I somehow kept talking and the phone to my ear. I am not sure how, because while my mouth and body were carrying on a conversation, my heart and my soul were spinning back in time and re-living every midnight move of my childhood.  

There were many.  They were always unexpected.  A middle of the night wake up, and an order to pack everything, dictated by his mood and alcohol levels. We would have  a couple hours to grab what we could.  Then we were off hurdling down a dark highway toward a new town and new levels of uncertainty. There was never a chance to tell friends, get addresses or say good bye to your favorite things.   It was before Facebook, Twitter and even email, so as we drove away leaving layers of our life behind one more time, it was another goodbye with no forwarding address. There was no new house to live in, we would simply find it once we got where we were going, which hadn't yet been decided.  

The phone still to my ear, I struggled to come back to the moment. Gripping the phone I forced myself to pay attention to what she was saying.  Several weeks ago I finished the last detail of buying a house for my mom.  Although I am proud of this, pride is secondary to the relief I feel at giving her a place to live which will finally be hers.  After years of living in other people's spare rooms, ranch hand quarters, hotel rooms for staff, and rental houses that sometimes had no finished walls or flooring, she had settled for the last 20 years in an apartment.  When she moved in it was nicer than anywhere else she had lived. Today it is a disgustingly neglected unit with apathetic and uncaring management.  

For years I have worked hard to be in a position to give her a stable home, a house that feels like home and has room to grow flowers, hang a bird feeder and allow her to paint the walls whatever color she wants.  Her only window these past 20 years has been a patio door with a view of the highway.  

In the last few weeks, I hear excitement in her voice every day as she talks about having a yard, sitting outside on the screen porch, planting flowers, having sunshine and a view from her living room.  Although she has repeated the same statements over and over, each time I listen again, smiling.

I smiled up until I heard  "You know what the best part is?" 

"What is that?"  Expecting another round of excitement about extra closet space.

"It will be the first time I don't have to move out in the middle of the night."  

A punch in my gut, packed with memories.  Remembering every one of those  midnight moves.  The tears I couldn't shed because it would have made him even more angry.  The pain of lost friendships, lost memories, and an identity never quite formed.  The pain of being the new kid again, the outcast.  A combination of my poor kid clothes and a protective shield I held high,  kept anyone from getting too close.  The shame of my life, my family, my story and the fear of someone discovering who I really was, made it easy after a while to leave the towns behind.  Easier but never less painful.

Maya Angelou defines an epiphany this way. "It probably has a million definitions. It's the occurrence when the mind, the body, the heart, and the soul focus together and see an old thing in a new way."   What I hadn't realized during this process,  was I wasn't just buying my mom a house or a home.   I was buying her freedom from the only way she had ever experienced change in her life.  I was buying her a chance to do this the right way and in a way she could talk about, brag about and look forward to.  It was the first time ever she had been able to talk about moving before she did and the first time she could tell other people!

As we wrapped up our call that night, I managed to hit the button to disconnect before I sank to the floor and cried  the sobs of a little girl and years of choked back tears.  I cried so hard my eyes hurt and my stomach hurt.  I held my dogs close as they rushed in to comfort me and I cried for all I left behind each time we got the wake up call.  Twenty six times before the age of 15.  I cried until I physically could not cry anymore and my exhaustion gave me a respite from the overwhelming grief of all that had been lost and taken.  Hearing her sound so happy  should have been a happy moment and I am happy for the moments my mom will have in the first home that will be hers.  The reason I have some happiness only exists because of the gut wrenching pain, which adds an indescribable layer to it. It brings a lost and vacant feeling that comes with  years of homelessness and wandering,  searching for  new places to be homeless.

  

So many things in life start out as one thing and turn into something else.  I wish I only felt the single dimension of joy and happiness and anticipation that she does.  The truth is, without the shame and pain as a driving force I am not sure this would have been on my bucket list. Would I have had the drive and dedication to do this for her?  I can handle all the sharp angles this comes with,  as long as she just feels the happiness.  Because that is what this particular journey was about anyway.  Her happiness. And I smile with tears in my eyes as my mom tells me for the hundredth time "do you know what the best part is going to be?".....  This was a defining moment for me and in the pain I see the old things in a new way.  I wish it didn’t hurt so much but I am grateful beyond measure to hear only joy in her voice.  As the memories raced through my mind, body and heart felt the full impact,  I wouldn’t trade it for a moment. 

Don't play safe

If each experience we have adds a piece to our lives, then I became a bit stronger today as the thermometer read frigid and my teeth chattered in the single digit temperatures and below zero wind chills. The sun was deceptively bright making it look like a beautiful day.  The reality of the biting cold was anything but, and no matter where I stood or moved I could not get warm.

The beer tent evidently was enough of an insulator for some, as they ran around in shorts and T-shirts and some even less.  Men in underwear were running around, men that should never be publicly seen in underwear. Struggling to comprehend their indifference to the cold, I waited until the very last possible moment to shed my layers.  I had intentionally avoided the plunge area, not wanting to see what I was about to do. There are times ignorance is bliss and I wanted to hold onto my ignorance as long as possible.  Finally getting in line, my stomach danced with the anticipation and the realization of what I was about to do, denial being ripped from me in quick layers. Why was I doing this?  I could have said no.  But I never say no to things that scare me, in fact I intentionally always say yes. The more it scares me the quicker I am to say yes, shifting into a stubborn five year old girl stamping my feet and going toe to toe with fear.

There is no preparing for something like this, yet it is impossible to avoid the imagined experience in anticipation.  I knew it would be bad, but I had no idea how painfully bad it would be.  As we stood on the edge of the hole we were going to jump into, I settled into the familiar lack of feeling.  Much like skydiving once you are in the plane and on the way, you begin to disconnect from the anxiety and the motions become automatic.  The decision had been made long before this and despite my fantasies of imagined escape there was no way I would have backed out.  So standing there looking at the water, the ritual of a decision already made took over. Wanting to just move I grabbed the hand on either side of me and we jumped. 

The physical shock is indescribable and the pain is so overwhelming and intense that my mind could not keep up. Yet I was painfully aware my brain was falling way too far behind. Like a sideline spectator I distantly heard a screaming voice telling me to move, move faster and get out.  Yet the paralysis of shock made it seem impossible to breathe and move.  I struggled to fight through the mental fog slowing my brain but the pain in every cell of my body made it impossible.  I had assumed  the dive team in the hole was for emergencies. But as they verbally directed me to keep moving, to go toward them, grabbing my hand and helping me toward the exit I understood they were not so much for emergencies but to prevent them.  Immediately as I  the water I was physical and mental shock, beyond description overwhelmed me and I lost all rational thought.

Recently I have been priveleged to do some clinical work with veterans and the reminder of how long some have endured daily and repeated stress, pain and suffering was with me as I stood on the edge of the hole.  I reminded myself this was a short and brief pain I was about to feel, with a known end and safety guaranteed.  Questioning what I could endure with this reminder put things in perspective.

I didn’t change the world today by jumping into a 30 degree lake. I raised money for Special Olympics and I was part of a shared experience and  I took a leap outside of my comfort zone.  Part of my life philosophy is to be something and represent what I believe is important.  I was true to that today for me the plunge was simply another opportunity to step up, to be part of a team, to step into fear, and to be part of something bigger.  It is a little piece of my foundation and added to who I am.  I didn’t play safe.

Humbling Courage

Most of my life has been spent outside the lines, being a bit different and not fitting into the averages. My early years are a story of traveling, living in cars, hotels, horse ranches, orange orchards and other bizarre places.  We never lived in one place very long, we didn’t stay long enough to make friends and the constant transitions meant I never really fit in anywhere I went. 

Throughout my life, the pain of this this uniqueness  paid off in many ways and most days I am proud of my stance in my beliefs and my ability to be different from others.  The silver lining in my odd childhood was I had traveled through most states by the time I was in middle school and geography was a cinch, since I had been through the map several times over.  My ability to be different and unique has been a solid foundation many times in life, but the fear and aloneness that comes with it can be painful.  Sometimes I find myself on the brink of melting into the crowd so I can belong and be liked.

Most of us have a painful experience or two from childhood that sticks with us because of the emotional intensity it leaves in its wake.  If that statement made you think back to one of these, you probably felt it somewhere in your body.  Your chest tightened, maybe your face flushed, your shoulders tensed.  You felt that hot pit in your stomach.  It might have been a word or more from someone, it might have been a disagreement, and it might have been a comment from an adult or teacher.  One of my experiences was walking into yet another new school and starting new classes with new faces.  I was in eighth grade, and on top of dealing with the awkwardness that comes with that age, my clothes were not cool and it was the only set I had.  My uncoolness radiated from me as I slipped into a seat and tried to stay off of anyone’s radar.  It never worked.  Within  minutes I was overwhelmed with the heat of shame that comes from knowing you don’t belong and never will.  The things the boys said to me have faded, but the feeling in my stomach, my heart, my head remain vivid. I have come to know them as the red flags of shame.  I know the feeling and  to this day it triggers a hot angry response in me.  The shame of not being good enough, the shame of comparing yourself to others and falling short. 

The pain and anxiety of being different from others is tough to step into and it takes courage to endure this with grace and dignity.  Back then, in eighth grade I wasn’t so good at it.  Up to fifth grade, I hid from those kinds of taunts.  After that I discovered fighting and the power it had, back then the only power I could find.  Growing up with two brothers and a hard ass father  I was good at fighting. I learned that I got immediate respect when I kicked the ass of the boys who taunted me.  It didn’t mean I fit in but people did leave me alone.  Not exactly the result I wanted but the taunting usually stopped. 

As an adult, after  years of work and brutal self-reflection I began to learn to tolerate the pain and stand by my beliefs and to let go of what people thought.  I learned the courage of standing tall but proud in the face of bad behavior and after years of practice I got much better at not taking it personally. 

I still intensely dislike feeling uncertain, and I try like hell not to be rejected.  Welcome to the human race I guess.  I have amazing friends and am so incredibly grateful for them, yet I’m cautious and have to push myself to take the risk, taking the chance of being hurt.  I feel the weight of the gamble, and the chance of feeling stupid aka shame for being a sucker.  Because if I get hurt that is what I am right?  How many times have you thought that very thing?  Said those words to yourself….”I am so stupid” ,  “ I knew better” ,  “ How many times do I have to get hurt” …..

As an adult who has accomplished some good things in life, I still find myself standing on the fringes many days, not sure where I fit in and feeling as though I don’t.

I want to belong and in some ways I do, certainly more than I ever thought possible in my younger years.  I have gained enough confidence and self-worth that I no longer come out swinging  to shame and rejection.  Nor do I shrink back and make myself invisible.  Both are still tempting and at times instinctive for me, but discipline practiced year after year have helped break this pattern.

Today I felt the sting of shame deep in my stomach and  the worst part is I didn’t realize it was shame until hours later.  I felt the anxiety of being different, of not belonging, of standing by my beliefs but even more of standing up for myself and my own importance.  I forgot today that this is courage, because I still think of courage as feeling strong and powerful.  In fact, courage today felt small and anxious and uncertain and different and scary and alone.  Courage didn’t feel big to me today, it was painful emotions and I struggled to take responsibility for those emotions let alone be responsive to them.  Brene Brown defines the first step one of being wholehearted as letting go of what other people think.  Being wholehearted is ironically enough the opposite of shame.  I was humbled today by how little progress I have made in life in my childlike desire to be liked, to belong, to be approved of and to fit in.  I spent entirely too much time today on other people’s opinions which meant I didn’t  honor my own emotions or  honor my courage to be different and true to my principles. 

The lesson from this isn’t entirely clear yet, and whatever it is will be challenging to face in it’s entirely.  It will mean standing out, and standing up.  It will include painful moments no doubt but that is usually the most valuable lesson. If strength, character and courage come from tolerating this type of pain, the pain of not belonging, it was something I developed early on in life. It is hard to step into the pain and accept that its part of the experience and part of my choice.

 

2013

New Years Eve: Intentions & a quote

Snow shoe running 12/30/12

2013

Today is one of my favorite days of the year!  It is a symbolic way to start fresh, turn a new page and reflect on what we should keep and what we need to let go of. 

What will you have the courage and wisdom to face this year?  To face today?

What are the parts of you which will  help you with this and which parts do you need to let go of?  Who will help you and who will you ask?  How will you start this amazing year?

How will you grow as you head into 2013?

 

Here is my framework~

"Live~faithful and gracious, to love God, to remember what my knees are for and to always remember to be grateful for all I have been blessed with, both the good and the struggles. To use my "gift" of whatever it is that causes people to reach out to me and trust me with their lives. To contribute in whatever way I can to help add quality to this world I live in.

Me~ To be known for who I am , to be able to be me and be loved for all that entails, to live out loud with all my contradictions and edges, finalize the unfinished chapters from 2012

Love~ to dance in life, to live in passion, to skinny dip in the moonlight, to run with my dogs and to enjoy moments with family and friends

2013 Bucket list~ snow shoe running (did it yesterday), paddle boarding, winter camping (survivalist style for just 1 night in Yosemite) , run in 3 countries, run 100 mile race, ride in a hot air balloon"

Quote

“I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories

don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing

what’s going to happen next.”
— Gilda Radner

Pictures from kerrie~Christmas vacation and craigs visit

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Love

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and may you find peace and grace in your heart and home. 

Dark Moments

The fog was so thick it wrapped a suffocating blanket around my chest, making breathing difficult.  Or maybe it was the fear that made breath impossible.  Pitch black and lit only by the occasional noise from the trees which lined the road.  The neighborhoods with their porch lights and Christmas trees were several blocks back and as I put one foot in front of the other I was aware of the futility of my headlamp.

The final stretch of road between me and the park was long and black in a way you can find only in the country away from the noise and lights.  I started down the last stretch knowing it well from hundreds of miles pacing this path. I knew the only thing to either side of me was thick woods and furry creatures.  I hesitated for a moment and my running partner slowed with me, always in tune with my thoughts, often before I was. In fact it was only when she altered her stride that I became aware of my own change.  An internal battle was taking place, a mental tug of war.  “You will be fine, you know the road and Ellie is with you”.  The dialogue of the other end of the rope, the one I named fear was not understandable in dialogue, it was a general sense of dread and vague uneasiness.  There was nothing specific to be afraid of, rather it was the feeling of being so completely alone and vulnerable which gave me pause.  Maybe it was the fog, so thick I could feel it fill my lungs as I ran.   Maybe it was because it had been a while since I had run in the dark, or since I had run at all. 

This all took place in my head in a matter of seconds.  I looked at Ellie, gave her the usual “let’s go” and grabbed my pace, plunging into the darkest section of my run. 

Up until this brief struggle I had been enjoying one of those rare occasions in running when everything is flowing so perfectly you wish it would never end.  As I ran into the thick air, I felt the flow return and couldn’t help but smile.  I realized the metaphor immediately of course and spent the next couple miles thinking on how often I have experienced similar moments of hesitation.  Without doubt I have never once in my life turned around away from the fear.  From the youngest age I can remember I have always dove headfirst into the darkness, even in times I probably should not have.  I don’t have a fairy tale ending and the outcome has not always been what I was hoping for.  On the flip side however I can say wholeheartedly that I have not one single regret for any of those moments, they become me and my story.

Earlier in the night I had decided to go for a run on a whim.  I hadn’t been out in a while, over two months because of a broken foot.  I was heading out with girlfriends for a night out, my first night out in too long to admit.  I figured I would run/walk which is what I had been doing the last couple weeks but walking more than running.

Everything seemed to be clicking though and as I started I knew right away it was going to be one of those magical runs.  And it was.  Had I turned around I would have been missed out.  I know the pride that comes with facing the fear and coming out on the other side and I know the disappointment of not accomplishing what I have set out to do. 

Make no mistake, the majority of that dark section in the fog, I was afraid.  Every noise I heard meant a skunk was ready to spray.  Yes a skunk.  I know there are no bears, the other animals don’t scare me, but I am consistently nervous about being sprayed by a skunk while running in the woods in the dark.  I am afraid of creepy humans who might be out there and people who have twisted and malicious intentions.  And yet I know the odds of this are small and in fact no bigger than any other time running. 

My victory though is in allowing and accepting my emotions, but not letting them drive my decisions.  This is a battle most of us face and fight.  The most important reminder I give myself is this is how I have gotten to my most amazing experiences.  From world travel to achieving my “impossible” to a foggy nighttime run, the fear has been overwhelming.  The only thing bigger than the fear?  My pride and my gratitude after I make my way through the darkness. 

Happiness is.....follow up to 1st run in the snow

Yesterday I was able to be on the trails with my dogs, walking and running in the first snowfall of the year.  I have not ever and will never be a winter person, however one of the rare places I am able to appreciate the beauty of it is on the trails.  The second place is curled up in my electric blanket, dogs at my feet or in my lap, looking out my window with it's beautiful country view.

I headed out to the trails yesterday just as it was starting to snow and in the short drive there, reflected on how incredibly happy I was to be in that moment.  My dogs start to cry and whine as soon as we leave the driveway and by the time we have made the 6 minute drive to the trailhead, they are crying at a ridiculous volume.  They move from window to window so rapidly they shake my vehicle.  In the weeks I was not able to get out there and run or even walk, I felt the same way.

I was filled with peaceful  happiness and I headed out and so very aware of how much I was grateful.

I was reminded of the Charlie Brown song.....

Lyrics

Happiness - TV special(02:46)
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Charlie Brown: Happiness is, finding a pencil

Sally: Knowing a secret

Linus: Telling the time

Schroeder: Happiness is, learning to whistle

Linus: Tying your shoe for the very first time!

Sally: Happiness is playing the drums in your own, school band

Charlie Brown: And happiness, is walking hand in hand.

Charlie Brown: Happiness is, two kinds of ice cream

Snoopy: Pizza with sausage

Schroeder: Climbing a tree

Charlie Brown: Happiness is, five different crayons

Sally: Catching a firefly

Linus: Setting him free

Charlie Brown: Happiness, is being alone every now, and then

Everybody: And happiness, is coming home again.

Charlie Brown: Happiness is, morning and evening, daytime and nightime too.For happiness, is anyone, and anything, at all, that's loved, by you!

Linus: Happiness, is having a sister

Lucy: Sharing a sandwich

Lucy and Linus: Getting along!

Everybody: Happiness, is singing together when day, is through, and happiness is those who sing with you.

Everybody: Happiness is morning and evening, daytime and nightime too. For happiness, is anyone, and anything, at all, that's loved, by you!

First snow of the year run