Serendipity and Friendship
My Letter to Craig
Don’t you wish you knew ahead of time the moment’s that were about to change your life? Not the bad things of course, just the good ones. The moments which seem to fall into the category of random or chance and later you realize that although you were minding your own business, by chance something amazing had just happened. The problem with these moments of serendipity is they are almost always seen in retrospect and rarely apparent in the moment. It is one of those moments that I look back on and wish I had been able to appreciate the significance of the exact moment I was about to gain an amazing friend.
On a Monday morning more than four years ago, you walked into my Core class at the gym. You looked familiar, and I made the connection to the café casually mentioning it after class as I was packing up my things.
I really can’t describe our relationship from that moment on, mostly because it feels as though we have always been friends. I recall the moment we met, but struggle to imagine a time when you were not in my life. There wasn’t a moment we decided to be friends or evaluated our fit, you were there and we just were. You seemed to fit effortlessly into my life despite our major life differences which should have made it challenging. Over the past few years our lives have connected so thoroughly, we have too many mutual friends to count, and so many shared experiences that the reminders are everywhere. From the paint on my walls, the millions of words we have shared, to the trails I run, and the love you have for my dogs, there is not a part of me you have not touched. As I said good bye to you today, I made it just inside the house before I sat on the floor and cried so hard my body hurt. I cried until the pain in my head forced me to move although the pain in my heart was still overwhelming and suffocating.
You are a once in a lifetime friend, and even though this hurts so much more than I imagined, I am so very grateful to have you as a friend. I realize as you pack a truck and move across the country that I won’t lose your friendship, but I will lose so much in your companionship and the special gift of comfort, love, laughter, sharing and joy you give to me.
You have added to my life in a way I never dreamed possible. Memories have been flooding my head and heart over the last few days since you decided to move and I have cried a hundred times. My tears are selfish, I don’t want to feel this loss and don’t want you to be so far away. It is my own need for what you give in friendship that makes me wish you had turned down the job and stayed. My running routes will never be the same and when I finally bullied you off the treadmill to cautiously try running outside, you quickly outran me in a way I predicted immediately. Your running addiction rivals mine. I drove past Millie’s tonight and started to cry remembering our breakfast, shivering in our wet running clothes and your look of horror at the tiny pancakes that came with your breakfast. I cry as I remember the love you gave Annabelle in those rides down to Madison for chemo and how you showed up at 5:00 am on those Monday's as a friend to make the trip, giving her hugs and kisses all the way. I remember telling you after my last surgery that you had to stop bringing daily bakery plates, and how our Sunday morning runs became walks and then walk/runs as I worked at healing . I think of all of the times that without production you were simply and quietly there for me, often before I even knew it or knew I needed it. I laugh when I think of trying to convince you to go camping and your horror in the lack of toilet facilities. How many times have I told you what a diva you are! I can’t stand the thought of summer without the things we do together. Of not being able to see you at the gym, go for a run, have dinner, sit for hours talking and share the beauty and comfort of a friendship and connection.
What will I do without you? The hole you will leave will be impossible to fill and at this moment it seems at though the pain will be infinite. I know I am asking the same question that many others are asking. I watched tonight how many people were moved to tears by the thought of you leaving and how they couldn’t form words because they were too choked up. I witnessed the love so many other’s have for you and how much you touch each person you meet. You are a once in a lifetime friend not just to me, but to many. You are an amazing man and I wondered today if I have been the same kind of friend to you, and if I have given you the same things you have given me.
In your absence, I am going to send you messages when I think of the things that remind me of all the shared memories. I will tell you the sadness I feel when I am wishing you were here, and the smiles when I remember the good times. I will send these not to cause pain or guilt, but so you are reminded how deeply you are missed and how much you are a part of my life.
My emotional intensity has never been subtle and I do not seem to have a neutral zone in me. I am terrible at being vulnerable, more likely to threaten to punch someone in the face than show weakness. I love as passionately as I fight and I am cautious when letting people into my life. Without quite knowing how it happened you became such an integral part of my life that I have no defenses. Today, saying goodbye I cried openly and felt the loss so deep it was overwhelming. I love you my friend and my pain is a testament to the amazing man you are.
The last year of my life has been a test of my strength on so many levels and in an effort to recover and to maintain my equilibrium I have had to work more hours than humanly possible and have lost precious moments. In retrospect of course I wish I could have spent more time with you and although I know I have been doing what I need to do, I still wish we could have spent more time together.
Thank you for walking into my class and my life and for being an amazing man and my best friend. Thank you for sharing so many amazing moments with me and for being so genuine and real. I have such gratitude for you and I am reminded frequently that I can only hope to be the kind of friend you are. You have some challenges in your life right now that will be life altering and I hope I will be the kind of friend you have been to me. I am grateful more than you know that you have a partner to share this journey with you and to share the adventure with. As you head out to your new home and begin your new life, trust yourself. You are one of the truest people I know.
