I Don't Care

When you learn not to care

"I don’t have to be perfect. All I have to do is show up and enjoy the messy, imperfect and beautiful journey of my life. It’s a trip more wonderful than I could have imagined."—  Kerry Washington

I decided several years ago that I just don’t care.  I don’t care about the holiday baking which takes three full days, the decorating which takes even longer, I don’t care about finding the perfect gift or making sure I get Christmas cards out.    I don’t care if I have a holiday party or if I go to holiday parties and I don’t care to spend weeks finding the  perfect holiday outfit.   

I can’t quite pinpoint the exact moment it happened but at some point the lip service I gave to not caring about perfection, became genuinely real in me.  At some point what I  longed to truly feel and  believe became an actual layer and not one I was just desperately trying to make fit.  Somehow it actually became a part of me.

And with it I said good bye to some things. Gone are the frantic days and weeks of preparation with the constant ball of doom in my belly, which comes with knowing it will never be done or good enough anyway.

So maybe I will miss some things and in a few I might regret not sending those Christmas cards or finding the perfect widget.  Maybe.  It hasn’t happened yet, but it could.   I may wish I had cleaned up a little bit more before the doorbell rang or that I didn’t suddenly notice all the things in my house I still haven’t gotten to since last year. So far I have been ok with this.  I have replaced those crazy rituals with something else, things which have had a much bigger impact on my life.

The things I have decided not to care about, the things I have decided to allow to exist in messy imperfection in my life?  Those things by allowing them to stay just as they are, allow me experiences which can’t be found anywhere with a price tag.

One of my favorite pictures from Christmas last year is one of me rolling around on the floor with Tanner as he opened his presents.  At 13 he didn’t move as fast as he once did, but for 13 years he taught me how to open presents with so much excitement that what was in the package became secondary.  It didn’t matter to him that these were just new food dishes, as he shredded paper frantically uncovering them, he was thrilled with getting to open it!

 This year, my heart felt heavy as I thought of last Christmas when I had all three of my dogs here.  Tanner said good bye this summer and just before Christmas Maggie delivered her puppies as scheduled, which means she won’t be home for another few weeks yet.  Her presents, the toys and treats wait for her return so she can rip into them. 

Christmas Eve, I looked at Ellie feeling so much gratitude for her presence but sadness in missing my Mags and Tanner.  I am quite sure Ellie understands human language, well at least my human language.  Thankfully it has been witnessed  by other people which saves me from being sent for a psych eval. 

Given her incredible ability to sense my emotions and take care of me  I should not have been surprised that she insisted on being within touching distance of me the entire night.  As I curled up on the floor as my family I started to exchange gifts, she positioned herself so her head was near mine, her chin on my shoulder. 

Earlier in the afternoon I had received a text from my brother, my mom wouldn’t be meeting me at church as planned.  She had choked on something and after a scary few minutes was fine, but was tired and resting. She would still make it for our family celebration but was going to take it easy for a bit.  My initial emotion, a combination of gut clenching horror, thinking of the what ifs and sadness that she would not be next to me in church. This  quickly gave way to incredible gratitude for the outcome.  Had the outcome been different,  how much would any of the decorations, gifts, or cooking have mattered? 

So when my mom arrived at my house Christmas Eve, I made sure I wasn’t rushing around doing last minute things.  I helped my brother carry things in and got her settled.  When I was in the middle of doing something and she wanted me to open a gift bag right now, instead of being impatient with her, I opened the bag.  I didn’t get bows on the gift and the darkness hid how I hadn’t gotten around to dusting.  Instead I shared the moments with her, sitting in the glow of the tree lights.

These are the moments I care about, these are the experiences I will look back at and remember.  When I reflect on years past I can’t remember most details.  The ones I spent hours obsessing over.  But I do remember rolling around with Tanner on the floor, helping him open his gifts, and this year I will remember Ellie’s head on my shoulder and sitting with my mom .

My house is trashed, my cookies came from a store package and my gifts barely wrapped.  I didn’t get around to sending Christmas cards and in fact still have a stack of cards I need to open yet.  I don’t care about any of it.  Life is pretty damn good in the moments I have decided I do care about and the ones I will hold in my heart. 

A life changing day!!!

 Yesterday was one of the most incredible days of my life, and given everything I have done to date that is a big statement!  I was the luckiest person in the world to be able to be a part of and with my  little girl as she delivered 8 beautiful and perfect little babies.  She was incredible, she is a natural mommy and although she was focused on her job she let me know she was glad I was there too.  Although I have dreaded the time she will be away from me, and my house is still so quiet without her, seeing her do her job and how incredible she is, helps somewhat!  Congratulations to my little mama!

My Challenge Today: How Can I Be Happy About This?

2:05 am.  This was the time illuminated as I looked at my phone to check the time.  Much too early to get up, yet I had awakened suddenly and fully.  From experience I knew my chances of falling back to sleep were almost non-existent but I tried anyway.  At 2:30 I decided if I were going to lie there wide awake, my monkey mind chattering, then I might as well get up and begin my day.   My brain reminds me that later today, when I have been awake for about twelve hours and still have another 7 or 8 hours to go, I am not going to feel good.  I hear a childish tone through my chatter, resembling an eight year old chanting “ooh you are going to be sorry!”  My natural tendency is to start using all my fingers and toes to count how many hours I have until I can go to bed tonight.  A futile exercise, it does nothing to make me feel any more rested and just reminds me of how tired I am going to be by the time it gets here.

My day is already full and I could have used more sleep, but with a wide awake brain, I decided to ignore the chatter and head downstairs.  Maggie and Ellie are oblivious to what time it actually is, caring about nothing other than I have moved in bed which makes me fair game.  Maggie loves to drape herself across me, bat me in the face and in general behave as though the world has created me just to be her play toy.  As I roll up however they race to the bedroom door and then as they do every morning race me downstairs.  I have learned to let them win to avoid being tripped and trampled in their excitement.  I smile as I open the door and they raced into the yard hell bent for leather.  It struck me that no matter what time it is, and no matter what they greet each day the same.  Despite the scenery never changing, they launch themselves off the deck and race each other to the fence line.  Most mornings one of them will intentionally trip the other, which means a few minutes of wrestling before they run a few circles around the perimeter of the yard.  And with some unspoken signal they will race together simultaneously toward the door, skidding to a stop just shy of hitting it.  With morning potty duties done, it’s time to attack their breakfast ritual with the same doggy prancing and excitement.   Once done with this, they look at me and wait knowing from hundreds of days of ritual that we are about to play which means they are going to work for some treats.  They have yet to figure out this is a training session, staying just as excited about this today as they are every other day.  I look at their happy faces and envy their ability to completely and wholeheartedly live in the moment, just this present moment.  My snarky inner voice also reminds me they get to nap whenever they want today and don’t have to end their day teaching a spin class.  And then I catch myself and remember, neither do I.  You see I will end my day teaching a class, one that requires levels of energy at the highest of levels.  In addition to my lack of sleep, having the flu just a few days ago and an overwhelming To Do list, I need to put myself on stage in spandex no less and create enough energy to give 30 people the best possible workout.  But I don’t have to, I get to.

As I watched them this morning, and caught my snarky inner voice, I thought of a question I have used often with myself and others. “How can I be happy about this?”  Depending on the day, my answer ranges from the complete unprintable to a moment of quiet accompanied by a sigh of acceptance.

So this morning, knowing today is going to be long and there will be tough moments I decided to ground myself from all mental math adding up the hours and instead decide how I could be happy about being out of bed well before 3:00 am.

1.     Ok, so if I start with the obvious, but often little acknowledged, I woke up this morning.  I get another day of this life and although I don’t always remember to start my day consciously thinking about this, it is never guaranteed and I will never get this one again.  It is amazing how this simple truth immediately changes my perspective.

2.    The entire world seems to still be sleeping and as I stand at my dining room window looking out over the field, I am happy I to feel the peace of this moment.  I see the stillness of the world in front of me and feel so grateful to be living here, in my quiet country home and to be in a country where I am free to make my own choices.

3.    I think about the list of priorities and the list of To Do’s I had made last night before going to bed in preparation for today.  I now have extra time to make progress on this list, which had seemed way too big for the day anyway.

4.     I decided to write some cards I had been meaning to for a couple of weeks now, and as I stacked the cards on the counter to go the mailbox I was glad to have gotten to it.  I was also happy to have so many people to write a note to, I am not unaware of how blessed I am in this area.  Eight stamps later I smiled as I thought about how happy I was to have had the time to write out eight cards!

5.     I was able to do all my writing and card writing, bake enough sweet potatoes for the week which makes my dogs happy, get breakfast in the oven, sort my notes from yesterday which was a huge mess, get mail ready to go and banking deposit slips ready, read a few chapters in a book, do a training session with the dogs and pick up the kitchen all before 5:00 am.  I felt happy about the extra space in my day and that I wouldn’t be scrambling to get out of the door on time today. 6.    Although I would have loved to have slept a couple more hours, I reminded myself to be happy that I am able to stop and find what good I can in my lack of sleep.  I work in a field which reminds me regularly that not everyone is in a place emotionally and intellectually to do this.

So as I wrap this up, I think of the moment I am in and remind myself in the big picture, today’s lack of sleep will be a small blip.  I won’t remember it in a couple of weeks or at least won’t feel it. When I look back at my life thirty years from now, losing a couple hours of sleep won’t be a defining factor. What will define me however is how I approach each day and the decision I make about how I will live it.  I think of others in the world who are facing a day today with suffering and pain and loss, or without a home to be in on sleepless nights.  I am grateful and blessed and beyond happy for starting my day at 2:30 am.