Just 48 hours ago the weekend stretched out ahead of me with the selfish pleasure to do whatever I wanted. I was about to enjoy two short days of just me and my three dogs. Friday night arrived and I found myself conflicted between my overwhelming desire to sink in to the quiet of my home, but also to dive into everything I wanted to accomplish. With my two foster boys at a respite home for the weekend, I wanted to hoard every moment and stretch it to its fullest capacity. But I also wanted to avoid the pressure of any expectations and truly have a break from any kind of pressure or demands. In my life of achieving, accomplishing, performing, meeting expectations, answering others needs and most days also failing, missing and neglecting, I was checking out. I had decided I was not going to worry about anything but enjoying the moments.
I had been looking forward to Friday night with the enthusiasm of a child waiting for Christmas. When it was finally here I wanted to enjoy every moment of it and savor each second. I was greedy in my need to squeeze every bit of pleasure of out of the solitude and the absence of little boys demanding attention from me.
A list person by nature, I had decided I would absolutely not make a list for the weekend. But I admit to having an informal list in my head and if I had to outline my informal list, it included these things.
ü Spend as much time as possible with my three dogs that I adore. I frequently feel a bit cheated at the end of my long days, and never get tired of hanging out with them. To actually play with them instead of trying to frantically make sure they get some exercise at the beginning and end of my long days.
ü Reading-actual reading just for the love of it and nothing I needed to educate myself on, educate someone else about, or know for morning
ü Sort the mountains of paperwork that are piled throughout my house, from my office to my chair by the window, to the dining room which doubles as my desk when I need to be downstairs, to the briefcase that is so heavy I can barely lift it. Keep in mind much of this paperwork includes articles which I can’t wait to read and never seem to get a moment for.
ü To rifle through my notebook in which I jot all the random phrases that push into my thoughts. These are tidbits I jot as I am in the midst of something else, always thinking how much I would love to expand on the thought. To spend time indulging my love of writing and lose myself in exploring the words and thoughts.
ü To stay as far away as possible from the ridiculous amount of paperwork that taunts me on a daily basis.
ü To keep plans for Saturday night despite my knowledge that I am feeling obsessive about spending as much time at home as possible. I love my home and feel as though it is a long distance relationship, in which I constantly long for physical connection.
ü To spend time with my mom who is always so patient and who never complains when days go by with only a few minutes for rushed phone calls, usually punctuated by telling my foster boys to stop doing whatever they are doing.
ü To go the entire weekend without worrying about anyone’s needs but my own, except for my dogs of course.
ü To organize and straighten my home gym so my rushed 5:00 am workouts can be more effective and I feel a semblance of peace while I am in it.
ü To email and call no less than 18 people that I have not talked to in way too long. Ok at least 3 people!
ü To get up at least one hour later each day just because I didn’t have to take care of anyone else.
ü To enjoy my workouts for the sake of my own personal and physical accomplishment, rather than planning and coordinating someone else’s workout.
So how did I do? My weekend of solitude started at 7:00 pm Friday night and I was due to pick the boys up by 6:00 pm Sunday night. I had just 48 hours to do all this and to relax!
Friday night when I didn’t get home until 7:00 pm I was comforted by the fact that I at least had 3-4 hours left of my day. My usual bedtime lately has been between 10:30 and 11:00. Often I look at the clock and force myself to get to bed only because I am aware of how tired I am when 4:00 am comes. Except on Friday night, the peacefulness of the house and the lack of demands lulled me into an early bedtime. I was almost comatose by 9:00p.m. and sound asleep hours earlier than usual.
My plan to sleep an hour later Saturday morning was spoiled by two of the three dogs having a wrestling match on the bed that shook the room! Their internal alarm was outraged that it was a few minutes past 4:00 am and they hadn’t been fed. By the time I let them outside, wrestled them away from each others food dishes, making sure the puppy got all of her food, I was wide awake. Oh well I counted it as one of the hours I missed out on by falling asleep early.
The rest of the weekend went much the same, with every single thing I had “planned” somehow being realigned in some way. Most things on my list, I didn’t even get close to and by the time I picked the boys up tonight I wondered what I had done with my weekend. My days had vanished and I was not sure where it had gone.
If I count the checks on the list, the weekend was almost a complete failure. Of the massive list I started with, I accomplished only a few things, failing miserably in my unofficial list for the weekend.
B |
ü I had spent hours on my hands and knees, throwing toys, wrestling and playing with my dogs. I ran around the yard with them, chased them and they cashed me. I laughed at their playfulness and loved their complete abandon in play and love. I cherished every single moment with them, even a disastrous walk which brings me to my next item.
ü With three dogs and the heaviest one weighing close to what I weigh, it is a challenge to take them all for a walk at the same time and does not happen often. My morning routine is completed with military precision and it doesn’t leave time for the antics that happen when they are all tied onto my waist. But I had the whole weekend so I grabbed all three leashes deciding to do a short loop, drop Tanner off and then continue on with the other two. Perfect! Things went fine for the first 50 feet, just past my driveway. There is a stray dog that shows up about once every two months, and he chose Saturday to visit. This of course created mass chaos with my dogs as they tried to get to him standing just outside of leash range. Standing on the road with my three I could see it coming and I was right. Tanner took off, the other two followed and my heels came out from underneath me. As I landed on my backside and was dragged at least 25 feet, I remember thinking was “this is going to hurt”. And it did. After getting some control back and putting Tanner in the house, I used the other two to try to catch the stray. Forty minutes later with no success, I also was ticked off and had yet to get a walk or a run in.
ü Saturday afternoon I spent four hours with my mom, with absolutely no agenda or things we needed to do. We didn’t talk about her health, my schedule, or how the boys had behaved for her and what they had done! Just simple mom and daughter time that was long overdue.
ü Sunday morning I was able to run with a friend who is one of the best people I know and one of my best friends. It has been way too long and even our casual weekday chats have been missing because of life circumstances for both of he and I. It is amazing how much time with a friend can completely recharge you, especially when it is on trails, running and talking about all of life’s problems.
ü I wore ridiculously indulgent pajamas that live in the back of my drawer. With no chance of midnight wake ups calls, bad dreams, bathroom trips or anything else to worry about I gave up the practical and went with indulgent. When living in a house with 2 little boys and 3 dogs, and night time temperatures in the 20 degree mark this doesn’t happen often.
ü Saturday night my plans fell through, but instead of my usual sweats and old race shirt, I grabbed one of my favorite sweaters and leggings, not caring that they would be covered in dog hair by the end of the night or that I was not going anywhere. I sank into my chaise and lost myself in a book.
Here is what is most important to me though. I ended the weekend a little bit different as a person than I had begun. I rediscovered things in the two days that are more valuable than words can describe. In the moments of silence, I found quiet in the chatter of my mind. I crave silence, and often by the end of the day too much noise and too much emotion threatens to send me into sensory overload. This weekend I was able to have silence for hours. It was broken only occasionally by my obnoxious puppy, Maggie as she raced from window to window when somebody dared to use the road. Other than that, the quiet of my home and mind was a soothing blanket of peace. It reminded me of the moments after you pull your chute and you are floating under canopy with no sound and a feeling of floating endlessly.
I was able to connect with someone important. The person I write about, the person I want to be, the person I work toward being? The person I like to think I am and the person I believe in at my most vulnerable moments?
She is within me and she is me. I am thrilled and somewhat relieved by how quickly I was able to check out, relax, forget my list, wander from moment to moment, and be absolutely present in the moment. I found myself appreciating every minute, and the pressured and driven person who was inside me two days ago quickly disappeared. My irritability and frustration was lower, my smile a bit quicker and the edges of my worries a bit softer. I experienced the beauty of allowing myself to "be" without having to “do” one damn thing.
She is within me and she is me. I am thrilled and somewhat relieved by how quickly I was able to check out, relax, forget my list, wander from moment to moment, and be absolutely present in the moment. I found myself appreciating every minute, and the pressured and driven person who was inside me two days ago quickly disappeared. My irritability and frustration was lower, my smile a bit quicker and the edges of my worries a bit softer. I experienced the beauty of allowing myself to "be" without having to “do” one damn thing.
For an hour, a day, or a weekend…..check out and lose your list! Next time I might head somewhere warm, as long as I can take my dogs with me!
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